| | On Sunday I said goodbye to my Church and then to Grace, and today to Michelle, Mandy, and Jody, and now I can't help but feel somewhat saddened. I don't think it sunk in before, during the flurry of departures to the US, and I'm taking the very sensible advice a friend gave me at Church yesterday and am trying to be more rational about matters of the heart, reminding myself that I'll be back in December, and two months from now I'll be seeing these people in Hong Kong again, so it's not goodbye, I don't need to feel like this is a final farewell. But I think the prospect of actually leaving my home and settling down in a completely new place, alone and with no choice but to learn independence, in addition to the separation from all the deeper attachments that I have formed, is becoming overwhelming. I have anxieties about university just like the next person, so I know that my fears are nothing new. The most frequent advice that has been given to me by people who have 'been there, done that' seems to be "Just be yourself". I decided some time last week that I was fed up with the dreaded D-word, of the demons of my past, that from now on I would look forward and never look back. I decided to try to adopt the practice of positive thinking, to give Depression the finger and tell it to eff off. So right now what I'm telling myself is that it's going to be alright, and I think right now I am coping fairly well with the possibility that everything might go tragically wrong. The fear has so far been kept at bay. You see, deep down inside, what I'm afraid of is myself. I'm actively stopping myself from succumbing to this negativity now, but if I were to revert to my general pattern of thinking, I would say that "Just be yourself" is all well and good for those people who are strong and good-natured, but what about those who scare and are abandoned by people when their true selves and character flaws are revealed? The truth is that my intimate relationship with and knowledge of the D-word scares people away, and the darknesses within me make it practically impossible to love and put up with me. I have known this for quite some time, and I fear that when (I should probably say 'if') I have another episode, I will crash from the loneliness and reality of it. I am afraid that I won't be able to pick myself up. I am afraid of what I am capable of doing to myself. I am telling myself now that people can change. That I can pick myself up after I fall -- what have I been doing for my entire adolescence? That the only reason I seem to have lost so many battles to the D-word is because I have never believed I could defeat it. I can change, I just need to try. I need to believe that I can change. In truth, I feel lucky and blessed. Progress is slow, but I think I have gotten a bit more perspective on how many good things God has given me in this life. With the conflicts and misunderstandings that arise between people, it is a miracle that friendships and attachments between individuals even exist at all. I am so inexpressibly grateful for the friends that I have made and kept, for the love they have shown me and that I have felt for them. I doubt the capacity and reliability of my mind all the time, but I acknowledge now that perhaps God has given me a good mind that I can use to His honour. To be honest, throughout the whole application process and the interviews and the exams, I didn't really think I would get in -- sure, I hoped desperately that I would, and I would have been shattered if I had been rejected, but I don't think I ever really thought about preparing for life at Oxford. And now, with barely 5 days left until my departure from the only place I have ever really known, and approximately 2 weeks until the start of my new life at Wycliffe, I realize that... well, I made it. I actually did it. I succeeded. I think I need to believe that being myself will not utterly destroy my uni life, that I am capable and deserving of new friendships, success, happiness. I need to remember what is good, what I am fighting for and that it is worthwhile. Who knows, maybe it is true that all sufficient efforts are ultimately rewarded. |
