|
soul_scrolls
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Melanie
Birthday: 5/28/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus. Life. Philosophy. Theology. Justification by grace through faith. Religious experience. Kierkegaard. Kant. Keats. Switchfoot. The Hours. Six Feet Under. Love. Stained glass. Hugs. Poetic prose. Profound conversation. Sunlight and blue skies. Laughter. Green.
Expertise: Procrastination. Asking questions. Crying over spilled milk. Empathy. Being myself.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
3/12/2005
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Need a break from packing. Bored. Stole this off Blebbehjelleh.
Pick your birth month from HERE and cross (strike) out what doesn't apply to you. Then post the whole list for the next person or link back to here.
MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift. | | |
| Between packing and sorting out last minute things, I've spent the past few days rush-reading (ie. trying to finish) a novel I bought that was on display at Page One, James Robertson's "The Testament of Gideon Mack", shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize. I finished it today (and used up lots of time I should have spent packing before the frenzy that will swarm most of tomorrow) and was left breathless and silently lamenting, that familar sense of heartache and realization and em/sympathy that characterizes a truly good book. It's been a while since something so gripping has made me think and feel so much. I highly recommend this book. I even feel kind of sad that I have to part with it now that I'm done with it. I feel that way at the end of every good TV series or novel or comic, I suppose it just shows that I get attached to things easily. Anyway, there's a passage I want to share. Food for thought. "Where's God in all of this?" I said.
"Now that is a good question," said the Devil.
"Maybe you are God," I said. "Maybe you're God, and this is one big test."
"Yeah, maybe."
"You wouldn't tell me if you were, would you?"
"I'd probably want to hear what you had to say for yourself first."
"That's the trouble with God. He's always one step ahead."
"What would you say to me if I were God?"
I thought about this for a while. The Devil passed me the bottle meantime.
"I'd say I was sick of apologizing for you. I'm sick of the bloody mess. Something like that."
"You'd blame me for it?"
"Well, ultimately, who else is there to blame?"
"Then you don't blame me? I mean, me the Devil. If that's who I am."
"No," I said. "I don't blame you. You're just doing what you do. What do you do?"
"That's another good question," the Devil said. "I used to have a purpose. We both had a purpose, God and me. Now? I just go from one window to another and stare out. Or stare in. Sometimes I do a few conjuring-tricks, push a button here, pull a lever there. But my heart's not in it. Basically, I don't do anything any more. I despair, if you want the honest truth. I mean, the world doesn't need me. It's going to hell on a handcart, if you'll excuse the cliche, without any assistance from me."
"And does God feel the same?" I asked.
"Probably. I feel sorry for him actually. What's in this for him? If things are going well, people forget about him. They unchain the swings, turn the churches into casinos and mock anybody who still believes in him. He's a very easy target. And who does he get left with? Fanatics and maniacs of every faith and every persuasion, who want to kill the heretics and blow themselves to pieces in his name. I feel sorry for God, I do. I mean, what a thankless fucking job. It's must be like running the National Health Service when nobody believes in it anymore. What are you looking like that for?"
I must have been frowning. The alcohol was making it hard for me to concentrate. "I'm trying to work out," I said, "if you are God, what my response to that should be."
He gave a long chuckle. "No more games, Gideon, okay? I'm not playing games. Like you, I'm sick of them. Do you think God would spend his time in a place like this? Okay, well, actually he might. He might like the solitude. The fact is, I don't know where he is. I haven't seen him for a long time."
I found I was struggling to keep my eyes open. The Devil's voice carried on in my ear.
"Maybe he's had enough. I keep thinking we're bound to run into one another again but it doesn't happen. I reckon he's gone, Gideon. Taken early retirement. Packed up, pissed off, vamoosed, vanished, desaparecido. I think he's done a runner. And you know what? I don't blame him. I don't blame him at all." Basically, I really loved this book. If you have the time and can be bothered, please read it. :) And with that, I take my leave and return to the joyous task that is packing. Whoopee. | | |
| On Sunday I said goodbye to my Church and then to Grace, and today to Michelle, Mandy, and Jody, and now I can't help but feel somewhat saddened. I don't think it sunk in before, during the flurry of departures to the US, and I'm taking the very sensible advice a friend gave me at Church yesterday and am trying to be more rational about matters of the heart, reminding myself that I'll be back in December, and two months from now I'll be seeing these people in Hong Kong again, so it's not goodbye, I don't need to feel like this is a final farewell. But I think the prospect of actually leaving my home and settling down in a completely new place, alone and with no choice but to learn independence, in addition to the separation from all the deeper attachments that I have formed, is becoming overwhelming. I have anxieties about university just like the next person, so I know that my fears are nothing new. The most frequent advice that has been given to me by people who have 'been there, done that' seems to be "Just be yourself". I decided some time last week that I was fed up with the dreaded D-word, of the demons of my past, that from now on I would look forward and never look back. I decided to try to adopt the practice of positive thinking, to give Depression the finger and tell it to eff off. So right now what I'm telling myself is that it's going to be alright, and I think right now I am coping fairly well with the possibility that everything might go tragically wrong. The fear has so far been kept at bay. You see, deep down inside, what I'm afraid of is myself. I'm actively stopping myself from succumbing to this negativity now, but if I were to revert to my general pattern of thinking, I would say that "Just be yourself" is all well and good for those people who are strong and good-natured, but what about those who scare and are abandoned by people when their true selves and character flaws are revealed? The truth is that my intimate relationship with and knowledge of the D-word scares people away, and the darknesses within me make it practically impossible to love and put up with me. I have known this for quite some time, and I fear that when (I should probably say 'if') I have another episode, I will crash from the loneliness and reality of it. I am afraid that I won't be able to pick myself up. I am afraid of what I am capable of doing to myself. I am telling myself now that people can change. That I can pick myself up after I fall -- what have I been doing for my entire adolescence? That the only reason I seem to have lost so many battles to the D-word is because I have never believed I could defeat it. I can change, I just need to try. I need to believe that I can change. In truth, I feel lucky and blessed. Progress is slow, but I think I have gotten a bit more perspective on how many good things God has given me in this life. With the conflicts and misunderstandings that arise between people, it is a miracle that friendships and attachments between individuals even exist at all. I am so inexpressibly grateful for the friends that I have made and kept, for the love they have shown me and that I have felt for them. I doubt the capacity and reliability of my mind all the time, but I acknowledge now that perhaps God has given me a good mind that I can use to His honour. To be honest, throughout the whole application process and the interviews and the exams, I didn't really think I would get in -- sure, I hoped desperately that I would, and I would have been shattered if I had been rejected, but I don't think I ever really thought about preparing for life at Oxford. And now, with barely 5 days left until my departure from the only place I have ever really known, and approximately 2 weeks until the start of my new life at Wycliffe, I realize that... well, I made it. I actually did it. I succeeded. I think I need to believe that being myself will not utterly destroy my uni life, that I am capable and deserving of new friendships, success, happiness. I need to remember what is good, what I am fighting for and that it is worthwhile. Who knows, maybe it is true that all sufficient efforts are ultimately rewarded. | | |
| Was unknowingly tagged a while ago by Blebbehjelleh. Soggy, Blebbeh, for the long delay! ><
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Mellie
2. Schmellie
3. Jelly (... gee wiz, they rhyme!)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Lanie
2. Lanie M
3. ... not that many, really.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My eyes (minus the eyebags)
2. The colour of my hair
3. My ears, I guess.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My weight
2. My skin
3. My stubby finger and toes, damn it!
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. I have a Chinese Dad who was born in Hong Kong
2. My Mom was born and raised in Malaysia
3. I have a British passport, because my Dad was sent off to live in England for many years when he was about 14. All of my extended relatives on my father's side live over there.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Reptiles/amphibians/insects
2. Evil disguised as good
3. The prospect of being completely abandoned
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Food
2. Water
3. Sleep (I would like to say that I am a simple person, but alas, I am not.)
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My therapist glasses
2. A very large shirt
3. .. Underwear. XD
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Third Eye Blind
2. Matchbox Twenty
3. Switchfoot
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. "God of Wine" - Third Eye Blind
2. "You Raise Me Up" - Josh Groban
3. "Older Chests" - Damien Rice
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Unconditional love
2. Whole-hearted commitment
3. Sensitivity, empathy, and understanding
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I am planning to secretly get a tattoo on the tip of my shoulder.
2. I swear a lot more than people think I do.
3. I have a guilty conscience from all the lies I have told.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Dark hair.
2. Uhm.
3. Just.. a friendly countenance. I dont think appearance matters once you get to know someone.
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Watching movies
2. Spending time with close friends and loved ones
3. Reading
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat. XD I get the munchies late at night.
2. Turn back time and not buy those 2 friggin' brushes along with everything else at Bobbi Brown. And not use a credit card to pay a bill of $1730. Damn it.
3. Rest, mainly. :P
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Being a novelist
2. Teaching, preferably at university level. I think I have more to contribute to young people than I do to babies/children, and I dont really want to spend all my time dealing with irreverent, indifferent high school squirts who just don't give a crap.
3. Being a psychiatrist
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. COPENHAGEN!
2. Anywhere in Northern Europe. Haven't been there before.
3. I will always love KL to bits.
THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Immanuel
2. Nathaniel
3. Evangeline
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Fall in love, get married, and have children.
2. Discover/embrace a faith that can move mountains.
3. Change someone's life for the better. Bring someone to God.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. Uh. =__= I have an acne problem?
2. I am completely inept with make-up and cosmetics.
3. I have pretty hairy arms. XD Oh god, you dont need to know that.
THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I gush and stuff.
2. I feel as though I might melt whenever I see a baby.
3. I desperately hope for love and marriage.
THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Brandon Routh. :D
2. Colin Farrell.
3. Christian Bale.
THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. Fiona
2. Shoezie
3. Debbie | | |
| I think at one point I just got scared of living. Things stopped being simple, then, everything became layered and deep-rooted and complicated, and life just became something else entirely. And then I became unhappy, gradually settled into the persona of the unhappy, tortured soul, and I stopped living life like I could, should, would have. I began looking for reasons, then, reasons for everything. Why does the sun shine? Why do the bad go unpunished? Why do we love, yearn, strive, why do we live? Questions, more questions, always questions. And still I ask, still I seek answers to the question of why I am who I am, why my life is what it is. But the answers are small and insignificant footprints in the sand, dust in the wind. We try to be grateful. We try to hope, to look forward, to view every day as a new beginning, every new opening as a valuable, cherished opportunity for freedom. We try not to take things for granted. We try to love -- love --always to love. I think, in the end, I remain scared of living. And there remain questions, endless questions and answers and dilemmas left unsolved. And there is hope, and love, and freedom. There is life. | | |
|
